At the moment I'm in a turning point in my life, almost ready to graduate from college, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.  I find myself with an internal confrontation.  I've been spending much of my life worrying about school, spending lots of time working on school work, not so much time hanging out and having fun with friends.  This hasn't been a problem: I've been doing good, got into the schools I wanted to get into.  I've made good decisions for the most part, as far as my long term goals, it seems.

So, let me tell you some of the new stuff I have to worry about (though if you've been in college, some of this shouldn't be anything new).

  1. Worry about applying to Grad Schools
  2. Worry about requirements for Grad Schools, including taking the GRE Exams if any of the schools I want to go to, require them.
  3. Get the transcript for my summer courses, taken at a community college, sent to my school, and hope they transfer.  Otherwise I can't graduate early.
  4. Worry about getting my summer programming project work on Upwards passed as co-op credit. If I can't, then I HAVE to make sure I get my summer courses transferred, so I can work on a Spring Co-op.
  5. I NEED to learn a lot of things in my own time, as I wasn't as productive for the last year as I would've liked to be (due to personal issues).  This creates problems where I feel awkward with my social situation:
  6. I don't have a strong urge to hang out with my friends atm, I'm perfectly satisfied chilling at home, listening to music, programming away, and getting my schoolwork done.  I don't know what to make of it, whether it's laziness, wanting to use school, my future, and personal progress as an excuse.  I know if I had someone close, like a gf, that would give me reason to go out and do things; as I've found out, on my own, I don't tend to feel as inspired for variety and doing new things on my own.  I need a little push, I guess.  I want to try to find some friends I can grow close to, either trying to strengthen existing relationships, or find new ones.  Also, I should be finding new friends to hang out with where I am, not just online.  Because I'm inside working on my stuff, I find it easy to stay in touch with my friends from afar, while neglecting the ones who are here (as I'm busy with work).

And that pretty much sums it up, the last point being most of the personal conflict of me being unsure of what I want to do.  I really, really want to get into this one graduate school in Texas, and I feel I need to step up my game and get things done to do that (which means sacrificing the social time).  My plan of attack socially, was to join the tennis club, and meet people who are enthusiastic about tennis so I can play on a regular basis (and probably find a girl there to encourage me to go out and do things more).  Ugh, don't get me started on girls.  But let me share this comic I just found recently, which takes a load off of my mind:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="800" caption="When A Guy Does Something Wrong"]When A Guy Does Something Wrong[/caption]

Remember when I mentioned personal issues? Yeaah.  *cough* a girl *cough* So I tend to think a lot, analyzing things, sometimes looking for things that aren't there.  I'm a person who likes to question things (which is also why I don't have a firm belief in God, and consider myself an agnostic atm, among other things, like questioning laws and government decisions).  But don't worry, I'm not thaat bad, I don't typically like looking for things that aren't there, which is why I typically look down on English classes; I hate when they analyze things that the author probably never intended.  Oh, so one thing I figured out is that I have no idea how to approach girls.  There is this girl I like living not far from me on campus, she's cute, and is pretty awesome; I just don't have a class with her anymore, and she has alll sorts of guy friends she hangs out with already anyway.  And because of all of the stuff I have to worry about, there's no way I'm going to be in the top of my game, especially if I want to try to be humorous.  So yeah, don't have any idea how to approach her to just hang out or something; though I'm sure I'm worrying about it more than I should.  And a topic for another post perhaps, love, and that other girl I haven't gotten over.

Anyyway, perhaps this is too much of a rant for a blog site, and is better meant for a journal.  So, I'm open to new friends, and don't consider myself a pessimist in the least, despite what you may think from reading this post. So don't even think I am!!  Ever!  My aim sn is: optimisticSorrow, for I am neither always completely optimistic or pessimistic, I am somewhere in between.

*nods* Soo college, yeaah. Life. Yeaah, dude.  Totally. Okay, I have reading to do, work to do.  Just needed to rant, since all of this has been running through my head while I've been trying to do this dry reading.  Drop me a line, and I'll have more contact information up here in the future!

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